Chinese cemeteries are selling paper replicas of Viagra pills, images of condoms, and heavily made-up bar girls for people to burn for dead relatives so they can have great sex in the afterlife.

Authorities have attempted to prevent the sales, but have been unsuccessful thanks to high demand due to the upcoming annual Tombsweeping Festival on April 5.

I find this fascinating, but I highly doubt dead people are concerned about getting it up or sexual protection.

Chinese have traditionally burned fake money in honour of dead relatives during the festival, when families clean their ancestors’ tombs and graves.

They believe the wealth will accrue to their ancestors in the afterlife.

But China’s move toward a more consumer-oriented society has seen new offerings including paper televisions, cellphones, cars and other luxury items.

There was no word as to whether paper replicas of sex toys were being sold.

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An eighth grade student at Wilson Middle School thought it’d be funny to put urine in his teacher’s coffee pot.

The teacher was fortunate that the boy’s urine smelled foul and reported the smelly coffee to the principal.

A student who had overhead classmates talking about the incident also reported it to officials.

The issue was investigated and authorities were led to check the eighth-grade boy’s locker where they discovered urine.

He admitted to putting some into the teacher’s coffee and has been suspended pending a recommendation for expulsion.

“This type of student behavior will not be tolerated,” Principal DiLynn Phelps and Superintendent Marlin B. Creasy wrote in a letter to parents. “No student will be permitted to deliberately attempt to cause bodily harm to any other student, teacher or staff member.”

I can’t believe the boy was dumb enough to leave urine in his locker. I guess he had other plans for it.

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Lang Qiang recently had surgery to reduce his protruding cheekbones because fortune-tellers had told him that because of them, his wife would die before him.

The 48-year old man of Chongqing city, said: “I believe it without any doubt. Misfortunes are always happening to my wife, while I have none.

“For example, every morning, we need to go downstairs to pick up the bottled milk. I’ve never had a problem, but my wife fell and fractured her legs going down the stairs.

“Another time I stood on a bench to hang a cloth. Then my wife stood on it, and the bench broke.”

There was no word as to whether his wife is a fatty.

“I always feel sorry for my wife and want to do something to make things up,” Lang said. “I told my wife I would go on a business trip for more than 10 days. I want to give her a surprise.”

I wonder how he’ll react when she continues to have bad luck…

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German belly dancer, Julia ‘Cleopatra’ Meyer, thought there was too much fat in her outer thighs. Instead of going on a diet and exercising, she went to a private clinic and told them what she wanted.

They must have confused thigh for butt because when she went into surgery, the plastic surgeon proceeded to suck out all the fat in her right butt.

“I had been unhappy with my saddlebags, the fat stored in the outer thigh area. Because of the local anaesthesia I did not realise what he was doing,” Meyer said.

“When I saw afterwards that half of my bum was missing I almost fainted. It had been completely sucked away.”

Meyer took it to court and let them know she could no longer perform her dances and was also too embarrassed to go to a swimming pool.

Meyer asked for £6,000 compensation but the judge didn’t think that was enough for her troubles. He ordered the absent-minded surgeon to pay her £12,000 (about $23,000).

When performing the liposuction, didn’t it occur to the surgeon that no one in their right mind would want a disproportionate backside? He should have at least sucked fat out of the other while he was at it.

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Tadeus Konopizc, 40, from Zakopane, Poland, was angry because his wife had left him.

It took one bottle of vodka for his rage to make him do the dumbest thing a man can do to himself.

Tadeus Konopizc took a six-inch knife and cut off his genitals, including his testicles.

That’s right. The man no longer has balls. If he wore tight pants, he’d be mistaken for a manly-looking woman.

Realizing he’d made a horrible mistake, Konopizc called doctors to ask for help. A special helicopter rescue team was sent to fly him to Bialystok, a town with surgeons that specialize in sewing back severed organs.

Unfortunately for Konopizc, Mother Nature wasn’t on his side. A heavy fog delayed the helicopter so by the time they got to the hospital, it was too late to reattach his man parts.

Now he has to undergo months of surgery as doctors attempt to rebuild his member using skin from another part of his body.

Ouch.

The fact that he cut off his genitals because his wife left him makes me wonder: did she leave him because he couldn’t perform in the sack?

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Li Jianping 43, of Shishi City, Fujian province, has been growing the nails on his left hand for the past 23 years.

“When I was 20, I read a news report saying an Indian man had let the fingernails on his left hand grow to around one meter. Then I made up my mind to surpass him,” he told the Straits City News.

“Before 1992, my nails were broken twice in accidents: once when I was moving things, the second time by a friend. Each time I had to start over.”

Li, a grocery store owner, admitted that the nails were often inconvenient.

“I never go to crowded places. And during sleep, I have to keep my left wrist under my head to prevent the hand from moving.”

His nails are now one meter long in total after 15 years without accidents.

See a photo here.

I think it’s safe to assume he never gets any… Those things look like they could easily take an eye out, slice a neck and destroy vital organs, all at the same time.

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Robert McClenahan, 38, of Colchester, UK, was in the middle of hot, passionate love-making with his wife when his manhood failed him in the worst way possible.

“We were having sex and he missed and broke his willy,” said his 32-year-old wife, Emma.

The fracture left McClenahan in tremendous pain and when they turned on the light, they discovered his manhood was bent.

The couple went to a hospital right away but McClenahan had to walk around with a bent member for two days before having surgery.

Does this sort of thing happen often? Or does this man have a really weak member?

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Realizing he was driving drunk Thursday evening, 21-year-old, Alexander Craig of Colorado Springs, decided to call the police to come and arrest him.

“He called 911 and said, ‘I’m hammered … come get me’,” said Sergeant Rob Kelley of the Colorado Springs police.

He even gave out his name, a description of his car and clues to his location. After six calls to the police, Craig drove away from his alleged location.

Over the course of three hours, 20 officers were sent to find him but came up short. Craig made about 10 calls to the police to taunt them for not being able to find him.

“He said we need to try harder to find him. He said he couldn’t believe he hasn’t been caught yet,” Sergeant Kelley said.

The man was finally arrested shortly after he drove up to some squad cars and sped off. He ran a red light, drove on the wrong side of the road, pulled over at an Albertson’s parking lot, charged at an officer and got tasered.

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A 45-year old Napier woman called police yesterday morning after she noticed her precious marijuana plants had been stolen from her shed.

“I have had three marijuana plants stolen. They were in buckets,” the woman told a police communications officer, who couldn’t stop smiling as he listened to the crying woman lament over her beloved pot.

“I am a good person. I am sick of these low-lifes stealing my things,” she said, not realizing she was also referring to herself as a low-life.

The woman also told him it was the fourth year in a row that someone had snuck into her property at night and stolen her marijuana plants.

She later got a visit from a cop, who took the details of the burglary and warned her of the legal consequences if she continued growing weed.

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Jared Anderson, 20, of Wisconsin decided he just had to light his genitals on fire after seeing something similar in a movie.

He and Randell Peterson, 43, had been drinking and watching the movie when the brilliant idea came to Anderson.

“People that were there said that after he saw the movie he told people that he wanted to do this — light his genitals and he proceeded to enlist Mr. Peterson’s help in doing so,” Eau Claire County Assistant District Attorney Mike Steuer said on WEAU-TV.

What ensued led to Anderson being hospitalized with burns on his genitals and Peterson being incarcerated.

Peterson sprayed lighter fluid on Anderson’s genitals and attempted to light it on fire. When it didn’t work, Peterson tried a second time and Anderson’s genitals, hands, and clothing caught fire.

Anderson later filed a criminal complaint claiming that he hadn’t wanted to be lit on fire and was attacked.

I guess it’s also a bad idea for people to drink and watch TV.

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